I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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