I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I supernannyed him into submission
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
