R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
