My liver just broke up with me...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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