i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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