Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
