he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize