I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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