Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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