Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
