I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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