Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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