Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
