i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
