They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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