Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
