god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dick very happy bro
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
