o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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