Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
