Soap is not a condiment
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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