So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
