News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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