I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
