4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
