I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
