im so drunk with asians
where?
always
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
