The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
