In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
