why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
