Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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