Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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