NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
