i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
