Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
