I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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