my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
