The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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