Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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