I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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