The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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