I never want to see another naked old woman again.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize