I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
