So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
