Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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