You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize