so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
