I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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