I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I will be naked everywhere
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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