I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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