I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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