Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
