remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
