Apparently you make a good broom.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
