yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
