if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
