I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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