i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
