I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
