If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
